I have an odd theory, but after reading posts on LOI for the last 6 months or so, maybe its not so weird.
I think fat has emotional memories.
Hear me out before you call the funny farm. I own the fact that alot of my extra poundage on my substantial frame is due to eating because of stress, and stress afterwards derived from feeling fat and worthless drives me to eat more and so on and so forth. And the problems causing the over-eating aren't dealt with, but instead consumed and stored in the fat on different parts of my body. Consider also that this has been going on FOR YEARS.
Alot of pounds and alot of issues not dealt with. Part of the "New Jenn" is wondering when the "Old Jenn" is going to return and take control and returns to the above mentioned destructive behaviour. I feel like I am on constant guard against the "Old Jenn", but so far so good. I am closing in on being an ACTIVE member of a gym for 2 months and part of me sits in a near stupor of the wonder of it all. But I digress.
When I work out, especially during an hour long class at the Y, I am improving but I am mightily challenged with all the exercises. There have been fleeting moments during the most difficult exercises (usually about 2/3rd's of the way through when everything is trembling) that I encourage myself by saying "This is when the fat gets burned Jenn, so push through it. This is when the fat goes!!!" and then it I am overcome with the urge to sob.
What the hell? But it's happened in class and on the treadmill. It's quick but definitive and I have come to conclude it's a moment when another pound has released it's hold on me and all that's left is that little bitter residue of emotion that caused that pound to be....just evaporating from my tear ducts.
What if I have been clutching on to this weight all this time because there are all these emotional grenades hidden in every other kilo? Then it occurs to me that maybe if I start to forgive myself for all the damage I let happen that maybe the lbs will let go...more gently? I know I have a long journey. Another 89 lbs if my math is correct. There are reasons I let myself get to this state of unhealthy and more than ever I am convinced I have to deal with each problem or the weight will never let me go.
Correction - I have to deal with each problem or I WILL NEVER LET GO OF THE WEIGHT.
I have to let go.
To lose it.
Jenn
I think your bang on! I know for me weight and food have been my unhealthy coping mechanisms for years...YEARS...and the last 2 years has not been just about losing the weight its been about letting go of the weight and all the baggage that came with it...so much EMOTION...still so much emotion.
ReplyDeleteI think its also one of the reasons why those of us on the "journey" have bonded so..its not just a commonality of trying to live healthier..I think the emotional aspect of this has knit us together...
Great post! I think weight gain, for most people, is SO much more than just "I eat too much/don't exercise." I think there are hundreds of emotionally tied reasons, and I agree that sometimes losing weight forces us to confront all of "that" which can be difficult and challenging-but ultimately freeing! And-ain't nothin wrong with crying! :) Let it out, and then move forward. :)
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